These are the important days of my life that I found in my old Diary:
26th March, 900000000000000000 B.C.
I think I was born today. I found a rock. They don't taste very good. Too hard. I found a book with the letters 'D I A R Y' on it, and started writing in it. Used a fish's tail as a pen and some black stuff from a wormy thing to make the stuff on this white thing.
16th February, 500000000000000069 B.C.
Discovered the art of 'swimming'- very useful, especially if you've been lying, half-paralysed in this muddy liquid stuff for 300000000000000000000000031 (complete exaggeration) years and you want a change of scene. I met Bob today – you know, that 'I'm Bob' guy on my portrait
7th August, 7000002376 B.C.
Bob's birthday – had a party in his cottage. Well, really I was on his doorstep listening to him eating 'Crabracadabra' fish cakes because I can't fit in his house – he offered the leftovers to me, but I refused (I don't eat I'm bobicuss slobber). It started raining cats and dogs around about 15 am – literally. They were dropping onto the lake and sinking down to my roof and doorstep. Some Scottish boy came along and gave me the 'Scotch News'. Such a rip-off - only news in the whole paper was the story about raining cats and dogs. I told the boy to sue them. Very bad idea – I got fined 2 whole planktons.
30th June, 103 B.C.
A new Roman road was built by the lake. Bought How to Road Run from the news-and-sale-lad.
Had a go at Road Running(leaping from one side of the road to another. Landed in the middle of the road - and in the middle of an Anglo-Saxon ambush.
26th March, 1954 A.D.
Celebrated my 900000000000001954th birthday had a big tin of lasagne, and gave Bob back his 7000004330-year-old saliva, and, surprisingly, he ATE it. Bob is weird- very weird. Bored for the rest of the day.
Bored out of my mind- played every video game in the world, Lasagne is extinct (thanks to me and my rumbling 500ft stomach), and Bob is snoring his head off (and has been for the last 2 weeks, he must be boarder than ME). Finally found something to do - think about what to do.
December 6th, 2178
January 14th, 3950